I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
