If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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