he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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