Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize