I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
