Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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