I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
