just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
