You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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