new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
