Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think I sprained my soul last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
