they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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