oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
