Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I didn't notice because vodka
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
