How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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