my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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