This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
