just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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