oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
