I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
