Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
