FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
