i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
