Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
