a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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