Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
