GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
