you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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