I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
