i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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