It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Randomize
