I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
