My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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