But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
