If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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