the condom got lost in my hair
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left