I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
