if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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