I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize