Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
