you turned your livingroom into a bong?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
