mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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