I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
