Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!