When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone