It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This is the high leading the old right now
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
