I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was confusing and full of hummus
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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