I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
