I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
