when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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