I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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