FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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