Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
