I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
